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I seriously don't write much on here anymore.  All of my writing has gone to my grad school work.  My imagination is cut off and quite frankly I really couldn't give a shit.  I'm just not the same person I was back in 2002 when I started using this thing.  I've grown.  A lot.  I guess you can say I've just been through so much shit both good and bad (yes I'm using the word "shit" in a positive light).  I have also grown from these experiences.  (Run-on sentence about to happen folks) From dating a narcissist , ending that relationship, to letting a person I didn't really know move in with me in a my aunt's basement apartment and dealing with the consequences of that for about 6 years, to having an affair with a married man, ending that relationship, to ending up in the hospital from the worst bipolar episode that was triggered by said break-ups, to meeting my husband on craigslist, to getting my heart ripped out again, only to put it back in with scars and a much more realistic and honest view of life has really been a great part of my growth.

My husband and I have worked hard and 2015 may very well be the year of our best relationship with each other.  Its honest and true, and above all NOT A FAIRYTALE.  That makes it better.  It is also the reason we love each other so much.  We aren't perfect.  We're both pretty fucked up actually.  We also know this and admit it and work on ourselves for ourselves.  That makes it work even more.

My life has become a world that comes complete with scholarly and peer reviewed journals, graduate papers, final projects, and the endless search for a practicum site.  It is no longer JUST about my husband.  I did that a lot in the past with every relationship I was in. For once my life revolves around me.  It really does feel like taking a giant boulder off my shoulders for good.

So there you have it.  While I am thankful for the harsh lessons I have learned throughout my life, I am also thankful that they are in the past and no longer in the present.

Ami

PLEASE DONATE!

My husband and I will be participating in this walk.  The MS walk means a great deal to both of us for obvious reasons.  My husband has been living with MS since his diagnosis in 2008 and it has been a rough road filled with challenges that through the grace of a higher power we have been able to get through so far.  Please donate to our team.  We will be very grateful.

TEAM TREYGER MS WALK NYC 2013

What Valentine's Day Means to Me...

What Valentine’s Day Means to me…

Valentine’s Day is probably one of the most hated of holidays. It is the day psych hospitals are prone to becoming filled with people who are triggered by today. Then there are those who don't quite make it to the hospital as they have already decided to end their lives over what this day often triggers. Valentine’s Day is the day where the sight of all those couples with cute flowers and chocolates in their hands reminds others of their own failing relationship or what their relationship has always been lacking, but because it’s Valentine’s Day it’s like someone decided to take a giant highlighter or put up a neon sign that read: Your boyfriend/husband or girlfriend/wife never does or gives you *enter whatever it is you want them to do here that makes you hate others who have it on this day*. This is the day where people who were dumped are reminded that they were dumped even if the dumping happened Lord knows how many years ago.

This is what V-day means to me: Legend has it that Valentine was a priest who served during third century Rome. There was an Emperor at that time by the name of Claudius II. Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those that were married. With this thought in mind he outlawed marriage for young men in hopes of building a stronger military base. Supposedly, Valentine decided this decree just wasn't fair and chose to marry young couples secretly. When Emperor Claudius II found out about Valentine's actions he had him put to death (Kaboose.com, 2012). Despite the fact that this is a legend, it is my favorite one because I know what it’s like to be told not to marry someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I feel that it is a representation of something worth fighting for: Love.

Hallmark just happened to make it crappy for everyone else.

Not many songs give me goosebumps that feel electric. This one succeeded.   I'm playing this one next time I smudge the condo.

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More InsaneJournal

I guess I just keep posting on my InsaneJournal.

Ami

Insane Journal

I got an Insane Journal account last night.  It doesn't mean I am leaving LiveJournal.  It just means I need a change of scenery.  I have a lot of my past on here that I will keep just on here.  My Insane Journal is something new.  It is also public.  

Ami

2012. What can I say? It’s been real...

Real what?

Real crazy.

Real difficult.

Real hilarious.

Real busy.

Real productive.

Real sad.

Real fucked.

Real sick.

Real good.

Real challenging.

But above all…2012 has definitely been real.

It has been filled with serious realities that materialized only to teach me more lessons than I thought I needed to learn in one year. 

I earned my degree in psychology.  Hell, I earned a degree period!  I started grad school in mental health counseling.

I learned that sometimes letting go and letting God or how I see God (my higher power) actually DOES work especially when it comes to choosing my battles which means I started coping with not controlling everything; hard work in itself since I’ve been a control freak since the womb. 

I faced a fear and lived a dream by putting myself on the stage again after 8 years and met some of the greatest people I had the fortune of meeting and befriending.

I opened a door to my own spirituality; a door that I closed many years ago.

I realized that marriage can actually be done if two people work it and work on themselves for themselves as opposed to leaving it all up to one person.  Being honest and telling the person the truth no matter how much it hurts make a huge difference in a relationship.  Usually that difference is positive as running away never solves anything unless you are truly unhappy.  Being honest is still the key.  This mentality has been the hallmark of our strength in living out this marriage and our lives together.

2012 certainly had its challenges.  It even left us with a few before 2013.  What can I say?  2012 has been real.  It has been a real pain in the ass with things like evil retail companies and cond-op boards that care nothing for the human spirit, but only for the smell, feel and color of money.  The human spirit is much stronger...

2012 left me with the reality that children really aren’t going to happen and even though a part of me struggles with that fact, I am also OK with it and hope that other people leave me alone about it for once and just let it go because I already have.

2012 has kept me warm with Smooth, my husband and great Georgian wine thanks to my cousin-in-law. 

2012 forgot to end the world and that’s fine because I have a whole lotta living to do.

So 2013, I await you with hope and strength.  I wait with open arms as knowledge is my shield, hope is my guide and love is my strength. 

Here’s to a great new year, folks.  Hope it’s real. 

An Actual Post from Your's Truly...

On Life:

I am aware that it has been a while since I posted anything of substance aside from the showcase advertising.  Life has gotten in the way and I haven't really had time to post actual entries on here.  I remember how I used to post constantly.  I started in 2002.  Now its very sporadic and mostly tweets.  Work, School and marriage really do keep one busy.  I knew that work and school would, but marriage???  I didn't realize how busy I would be at home or outside.  Since Hurricane Sandy hooked up with a tropical Storm last week life has been turned upside down for a lot of people in New York and New Jersey.  I was not allowed back at work until this past Monday.  A crane had collapsed partially on West 57th Street and the building where I work is right around the corner from so we had to work remotely from home until it was finally bootstrapped to the building this past Saturday.  For others affected by this storm there has been no power for over 11 days.  For others, there are no homes anymore.  Many lost their lives.  You would think Mother Nature was trying to tell us something..

On Halloween...

Since Hurricane Sandy wanted all the candy to herself Halloween as well as everyone's homes and power, etc. Halloween was pretty much cancelled in NY.  So, Leon and I spent Halloween at home together wearing our masquerade masks.  It was a nice, intimate time.  We had a lot of fun to say the least.  

On The Election:

Obama won the election again so he'll finish out his term.  I am happy about this as I voted for him, but I also have friends who didn't and I'm OK with that.  So many people ended friendships over voting decisions.  I get that it can get very personal.  I mean I don't want anyone telling me what I can and cannot do with my reproductive system or vagina and I don't want someone to tell me that I deserve to use a wired hanger and kill myself because at that point I'd cut them off.  Or if I was stabbed in the back by someone I trusted, or if someone insulted my husband when he or she had no right to, I'd have to cut them off.  After getting even.  Of course.  I believe in marriage equality and I know others who do not.  I wouldn't totally cut them off unless I was told something really REALLY offensive by them.

But, I digress...

On Weight and Diet...

I was on this diet for a week that helped me to lose about six pounds, but my body didn't agree with it.  The reason being it was a 500 calorie diet.  Needless to say I almost passed out last night at home.  So I decided to stop it.  I did talk to my nurse and let her know and she was fine with it.  I told her my body really doesn't want me on this thing so I am going to just stick with protein and veggies, and exercise.  I'm also going to allow myself a cheat day every Friday.  Because damn it, I don't like depriving myself.  So basically I get Chipotle every Friday, but Mon-Thurs I stick with making my own lunch.  I will have my protein coffee shake in the morning and some fruit and a two cliff bars through the day.  If  I give it every two hours and a half, I can actually get through the day without gorging.  

On Weather...

Today it seems to be snowing and window and quite cold.  I really hope that those without power find ways to keep warm.  I was sent home early today as were two other co-workers as my employers did not want us to be stuck in the city without transit since the MTA is still not fully on it's feet since Hurricane Sandy.  So...I'm working from home again...

I guess that's all for now...

Be well,
Ami